Bros Before Hoes
by Eternal Procrastinator
Summary: "Mate, it's bros before hoes. Always has been, always will be."


Summary: "Mate, it's bros before hoes. Always has been, always will be."

-.-

James Potter and Sirius Black meet on the Hogwarts Express.

It isn't anything earth shattering, nothing worth remembering, really. They are about as awkward as two eleven year old strangers can possibly be. They have no idea what to talk about, at least not until the food trolley arrives, and then they argue over what to get—Pepper Imps or Chocolate Frogs. They finally agree to get some of everything and after that they quarrel over who should pay.

As they eat, James finds out that Sirius comes from a family of Slytherins and he doesn't know how he should feel about the news. But he thinks that Sirius isn't anything like what he thinks a Slytherin should be—evil. So he reassures Sirius and cracks a rather atrocious joke that gets the two of them howling in laughter and the topic is dropped for something much more interesting, like Quidditch.

James is asked by Sirius which house he would rather be sorted into and he proudly states Gryffindor—just like his father. The boy across from him makes a snide comment and James responds back in kind.

The redhead he is sitting with gets offended. She shrieks at him something dreadful—as dreadful as an eleven year old could possibly be—and pulls the boy out with her, leaving a stunned and slightly frightened James.

Sirius later makes an ignorant comment about the rather chubby girl curled up in the corner. James laughs uproariously along with Sirius, startling the girl out of her slumber. She glares at them and tries to recapture her sleep. Sirius—James concludes he is either very brave or very stupid—reaches over to poke at her belly fat and makes another lighthearted comment. James watches, and can't decide whether to help his new found friend or shrink away in fear when the girl flings herself wrathfully at Sirius.

-.-

Sirius gets sorted into Gryffindor. To him, it's the best feeling in the world, to know that he isn't anything like his family. He seats himself at the table and raises his goblet to James, who is still waiting his turn to be sorted.

James grins back in return and raises an invisible goblet to clink against Sirius'. He turns his attention back to McGonagall just as she yells out his name and he ambles rather pompously to the stool. He whoops when he is placed in Gryffindor and bolts over to where Sirius sits.

He notices a rather pretty redhead sitting across from him and nudges Sirius. Sirius glances over and smirks, leaning over to whisper a cheesy pick up line he no doubt found in a book into James' ear. He repeats without hesitation.

The girl blushes, but then narrows her eyes at him and turns disdainfully away. Sirius then makes a witty remark just as the chubby girl from the train passes. She picks up his goblet and dumps it on his head. This time James laughs at Sirius' misfortune.

-.-

In the dormitory, they fight over who gets the window bed.

Sirius launches himself onto the bed, James following close behind. The two wrestle over the bed, neither coming out the victor because in the end, they give the bed to one of their dorm mates.

They still end up picking beds next to each other and forget rather quickly about their scuffle.

-.-

They pull their first prank later that week during Herbology.

They have everything planned out perfectly and using their limited knowledge of spells, they manage to cause the Slytherins' plants to explode, leaving half the class covered in a thick gooey mess. Their laughter and not so subtle high five gives them away and they receive a night of detention.

They serve it together with Professor Slughorn cleaning the dungeons.

They start the night out working rather diligently, having scrubbed clean half the floor in half an hour. Slughorn soon leaves them alone and they take this chance to engage in a water war. Sirius manages to dump the bucket of soapy water onto James, thoroughly soaking the poor boy. James retaliates by throwing his rag in Sirius' face.

Slughorn returns to an even bigger mess than previously thought possible. They receive another night of detention.

As they're leaving for the night having finished cleaning up their mess, Sirius decides that he's going to go for the most detentions in Hogwarts history. James readily agrees and the two start a bet to see who can receive the most by their graduation.

-.-

They form the Marauders with two other boys their year—Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew.

James befriends Remus at dinner one day while Sirius serves a detention that James had gotten out of. Sirius finds out the next day when James lets Remus join them for breakfast. He is a little put out that James had gone and befriended someone without him, but accepts Remus into their little group nonetheless. Sirius and James take it upon themselves to bring out the wild side of Remus, making it their mission in life besides detentions.

They later befriend Peter, whom they save from Slytherins. Sirius is at first annoyed by the constant trailing Peter does, but James talks him into letting the boy join them. Sirius does so reluctantly, but he says it's only because James told him to.

-.-

James and Sirius make the Quidditch team. They are both ecstatic, jumping and dancing around like idiots around the pitch. Their soon-to-be captain whacks them upside the head, and announces to the new recruits that they'd better be prepared for a year of rigorous training. James still can't hold his excitement and neither can Sirius, and the two of them nearly squeal like girls when they are handed their uniforms.

Inside their dormitory and alone, James does his victory dance and tries to teach it Sirius. He picks up on the dance rather fast and the two of them prance around the room, pausing when the door opens and closes. They shrug and continue dancing.

-.-

James smirks when he throws down a dusty old book in front of Sirius. Sirius takes one look at it—_Animagi Vol. 1_—and immediately asks if he stole it from the restricted section. He is awfully proud of James when he nods.

They crack open the book and for the first time, read it from cover to cover and even go back for a second read.

They take great care not to let anyone see and when Remus finds the book under Sirius' bed, neither Sirius nor James are willing to take the fall, each pushing the other forward until Remus decides to scold the both of them.

-.-

The first actual fight they have isn't over who ruined the latest _Quidditch Times_ or who stole the last chicken leg at dinner. It's over Regulus.

James doesn't like the way Sirius is treating his brother and confronts him in the locker rooms when the rest of the team is gone. Sirius is at first annoyed that they were even having this talk and tells James to drop it. He tries to change the topic but James is persistent, pushing at it until Sirius cracks and bites back with more venom than he intended.

James is offened and the topic begins to heat up. Soon they are yelling at each other.

They keep at it until Sirius says something that cuts deep—deeper than any other screamed insult had—into James and they stop. They instead stare each other down, breathing harshly as they take in the full force of everything that has just been said. Neither makes to move away or break eye contact.

After a long silence, James turns tensely away and mumbles that he will see Sirius in the common room.

The two don't talk all night and are walking on eggshells around each other the next morning. They make up before lunch arrives.

-.-

The first person James tells about his infatuation with Lily is Sirius.

James is affronted when Sirius starts to guffaw like a madman. He grabs for a pillow and repeatedly whacks Sirius over the head with it. Sirius stops long enough to grab the pillow away and confirm that James was serious. He still finds it oddly hilarious when James confirms. Swallowing his mirth, Sirius affectionately pats James, reassuring him that liking a girl wasn't so horrible, even though he wasn't one to talk and promises not to tell anyone. James is still untrusting of Sirius and his blabbering mouth and tells this to him. Sirius just laughs once more.

They spend several nights planning out how James should ask Lily out, scraping several brilliant—in Sirius' opinion—tactics until they finally reach one that James is extremely proud of. Sirius spends several hours teaching James the art of being a playboy and once he is deemed passable, they start executing their plan.

James is shocked when Lily turns him down rather harshly. He vows to never listen to advice from Sirius ever again and Sirius is offended by the mere thought that his methods were that of an arrogant, self-absorbed git.

-.-

James blinks and asks Sirius to repeat what he just said.

Sirius looks confused but repeats nonetheless. James pales and chokes out that Sirius is to never again call any part of his body hot or yummy or any other variant of that word.

Sirius rolls his eyes, muttering to himself that it's unfair a perfectly heterosexual female can think a girl looks hot and not be called a lesbian but a heterosexual male calling another male yummy is considered gay.

James jokes that Sirius may very well be. When Sirius doesn't refute that statement James feels as though he is going to puke.

-.-

James decides that what he felt before for the greasy haired Slytherin wasn't what one would call hate. Hate was too strong a word for a mere preteen. No. What he felt before was merely intense dislike.

But now, now he hates Snape with a passion.

He hates Snape for his obsession with the Dark Arts. He hates him for his constant need to get the Marauders—him—in trouble.

And underneath it all, he hates that Lily had given the boy the attention he, himself, craved and Snape just up and tosses it all away.

He is slightly mollified when he is told that Sirius hates Snape with equal passion.

-.-

James returns the favor of laughing when Sirius finally spills about his feeling towards a fellow Chaser.

He teases Sirius relentlessly to make for the month of teasing Sirius had given him. Sirius bemoans the fact that the greatest playboy Hogwarts has ever seen has fallen.

James repeats the advice that Sirius gave him, grinning madly and ducking when Sirius swings his arm to attack him. This time the two of them brainstorm ways for Sirius to ensure that he doesn't get shot down like James. They scrap idea after idea, dismissing the ones that Remus or Peter come up with deeming them unremarkable enough for Sirius' standard. They finally come up with one at three in the morning and decide to place it in motion once they've gotten enough sleep.

Sirius and James are both flabbergasted when the plan does not work. They redouble their efforts and eventually it works when she finally agrees to date Sirius just to get them out of her hair.

-.-

Sirius has a fight with his mother again and this time he walks out and doesn't look back.

James is mildly surprised to open his door and find Sirius standing there with his suitcase. He considers asking but holds his tongue as he ushers Sirius into his house. He knows that Sirius will talk soon after he is settled in anyways.

Sirius does indeed spill and he tells of how he's sick and tired of his family and asks if he can move in with the Potters. They are more than happy to welcome Sirius into the family. He is able to fit in well with the Potter family and they soon come to regard him as their own son.

-.-

Sirius tells James of the motorcycle he will buy once he's made enough money. James stares at the pictures he handed in awe and asks just how Sirius is planning on earning enough money for this masterpiece. Sirius grins wickedly and declares that James is going to help him. James immediately wants out even before being told of the plan. Sirius won't let him.

James soon finds himself behind a booth with Sirius, a long line of girls all waiting to pay five sickles for a photo, eight sickles for a kiss, or a galleon for both.

James surfaces from his latest kiss feeling rather disgruntled. He glares at Sirius and demands something in return. Sirius merely waves his words away dismissively and tells him to just pucker up and kiss.

In the end, they make more than enough money for the motorcycle and Sirius, feeling delayed guilt, gives half the leftovers to James to compensate for all the kissing he had to endure. James feels that this is not enough compensation and blackmails Sirius into letting him have the first ride.

-.-

James still cannot wrap his mind around the thought that Sirius would disregard Remus and pull such a stupid stunt. Sirius trudges silently behind the group as they rush Remus to the Hospital Wing, looking rather ill, casting the werewolf a look of guilt every so often.

Once Remus is dropped off at the medical center and they are back in the common room, James blows up at Sirius.

Sirius tries to explain but James refutes all his reasoning. It is only when James feels his throat go raw that he stops screaming at Sirius and even then, Peter picks up the slack and then it's his turn to chew Sirius out.

James stops Peter mid rant, and declares firmly and coldly that he does not want anything to do with Sirius anymore.

He does not think he has ever seen Sirius look so broken before.

-.-

James and Sirius are not on speaking terms for a month, the longest either of them have ever gone without the other.

They are tense around each other and everyone can see that both are miserable without the other. James is undisputedly avoiding Sirius, going so far as to hiding the Marauder's Map from him and using the Invisibility Cloak to avoid bumping into him.

Sirius doesn't take the separation too well and is sent to the Hospital Wing on two occasions for serious injuries. James puts on a mask of indifference when told the news and acts as if he doesn't care. It is only at Remus' insistence that James gives in and goes to check on his best friend.

They manage to somewhat patch things up. Their conversations, however, are short and clipped and on occasion end with them fighting. It takes a while, but eventually their friendship is again running smoothly.

-.-

James blinks, staring at Sirius who's cooing over his newly bought motorbike. He's startled when Sirius suddenly jumps up, declaring that he's going to make this baby fly. James just snorts and leaves Sirius to his antics.

-.-

Sirius rubs his eyes and opens them again, wondering if anything would change. Nothing does and he's still staring at the Head Boy badge James is holding in his hand.

Sirius heartily congratulates James and jokes that now that a Marauder is head of the students, they can get away with more pranks than ever. James jokingly adds in that no one would expect the Head Boy to be one of the pranksters. He then seriously tells Sirius that he shouldn't expect to get away with everything just because his best mate's the Head Boy.

Sirius arches an eyebrow, giving him the look that asked if James thought he was stupid.

James does not answer and Sirius takes this as an affirmative and he huffily declares he is out to find Moony and his girlfriend.

-.-

James still can't believe it himself as he's recounting his tale to Sirius. Sirius seems about just as flabbergasted as James is and keeps interrupting to ask if it really is Lily they are talking about. James nods numbly.

They scramble up and do their—now patented—victory dance around the dormitory. Remus doesn't even bother asking as he walks in.

James and Sirius spend the rest of the night gossiping and Sirius tries to give James advice on how to be an amazing lover but James will have none of it. Sirius is genuinely happy for his friend but he can't help making cracks about keeping little James Potter in check. James takes it in a completely different way than Sirius expected. He starts to narrate his entire life story for Sirius.

Sirius stops him when he reaches the part about him being the proud father of twelve—not one, not two, but twelve—kids who all have his dashing good looks and Lily's wit and charm.

-.-

It's nearing the end of seventh year and Sirius and James have yet to pull off a spectacular prank that is sure to get them remembered in the history of Hogwarts.

Not that all their other pranks haven't already, Sirius adds, but he feels that they should at least go out with a bang.

They spend weeks going through ideas, intent on creating the perfect last prank. They are frustrated with their lack of progress and decide to sneak to the Three Broomsticks for a quick butterbeer to help their lack of ideas. They find it doesn't help and upgrade to some firewhiskey. It works even worse than the butterbeer, but by then the two of them are too smashed to care.

They actually manage to come up with a plan, but the splitting headache the next morning prevents them actually remembering. The two spend the day sprawled awkwardly on their beds nursing their headaches because neither of them bothered brewing any Sobering Potions and Remus had declared that he wasn't going to make any for them.

-.-

They can't decide what to do with the Marauder's Map. They both agree that once they leave Hogwarts, it will be of no particular use to them. James considers keeping it, but Sirius thinks otherwise.

At four in the morning and three mugs of butterbeer later, Sirius comes up with an idea. Leave the map in Filch's office for other potential troublemakers. James heartily agrees.

-.-

Sirius revs up his motorcycle and he speeds down the streets. James glances back to see that the police are still chasing them, and jovially tells Sirius to go faster. Sirius yells something over the howling wind and he drives the two of them into a cramped alley.

They skid to a stop, trapped on one side by a wall, on the other by the police. James just shrugs rather nonchalantly and they patiently wait as the two policemen make their way towards them.

They exchange witty banter with the police up until the point where Death Eaters start approaching them. Whipping out their wands, they stand at the ready, and with a shout, flip the police car back onto its hind wheels. They grin at the crashes that follow.

Mounting the bike again, they shout their appreciation to the police as it roars to life. They take to the sky just as the police car falls and they fly away, Sirius laughing all the while.

-.-

James can't help pacing up and down the aisle, nervously fiddling with the collar of his suit. Sirius merely watches him pace until he's sick of it and pulls James aside.

James breaks and confesses to Sirius just how nervous he is about all this. Sirius sighs and pats his friend comfortingly on the back. He launches into a well practiced pep talk and at the end states that getting married just well isn't worth all the nerves and that is why no one will ever see him at the altar. James laughs and pulls Sirius into a man-hug.

Sirius shoots James an encouraging smile and shoots a thumbs up as he scrambles to get into place and soon the procession starts. .

-.-

James groans and turns away from the stage as Sirius' voice booms through the reception hall to hide his embarrassment. The crowd is laughing at one of Sirius' stories, and James really wants to jump out of his chair and maul him.

Just as James thinks Sirius has finished his best man speech, he launches right into another horrifyingly embarrassing story about him and he's out of his seat faster than he's ever been. Lily grabs onto him and he doesn't shake her off for fear of hurting her. Another story, this time about Lily and it takes their entire table to hold the both of them back from hurting Sirius.

Sirius merely finishes his speech and steps down calmly. It is only when he reaches his seat and sees the glare James sends him that Sirius decides to save his own hide by hiding behind his girlfriend.

-.-

It's another repeat of the wedding, except this time, they're in the hospital and this time, it's Sirius instead of James.

Sirius can hardly stay still, worrying over how his best friend's holding up while his wife's in labor. Sirius is forced to sit by his girlfriend—and Lily's best friend—but within moments he's back on his feet, pacing up and down the hall leading to the maternity ward.

The doctor comes out hours later, looking worse for the wear. Sirius rushes over and grips at the lapels of his scrubs and demands to know about his best friend's well being. The doctor carefully removes Sirius's hands and calmly tells the group that both the mother and the child are safe and well.

Sirius finally feels relief flood his body and he drops like boneless sack onto the nearest chair.

His girlfriend lightly comments that it's almost as if he's the dad and not James as she walks into the ward. Sirius laughs for the first time in hours and follows after.

He comes to stand beside James who is currently coddling his newborn son. He looks over at Lily and smirks, making a lighthearted comment about her complexion.

James glares and states that if Sirius keeps this up, the godfather spot will be given to Remus.

-.-

Sirius is furious—at himself for making Peter the Secret Keeper and at Peter for betraying James.

He drops Hagrid off at Godric's Hollow along with his motorbike and tells him to take Harry away. He sets off on foot after Peter, muttering a string of curses to himself.

He finds Peter and corners him. He confronts him, accusing him of giving away James and Lily's hidden location. Peter denies profusely, but Sirius won't have any of it.

Peter can't take Sirius' constant barraging and loudly proclaims that Sirius was the one who betrayed and killed James. Sirius doesn't have the chance to even register what was said before Peter kills off thirteen muggles on the spot and disappears, leaving Sirius grabbing thin air.

He's screaming profanities when they come and collect him for Azkaban.

-.-

The knowledge that Peter is still out there is the only thought that keeps Sirius sane.

He tells himself, day in and day out, that he will find some way to escape Azkaban and find Peter. He's going to find Peter and pay the bastard back for what he did to James.

-.-

He sees Harry and the first thought that comes to mind is just how much of a spitting image he is of James sans the eyes.

He gets to know the boy better and realizes—not for the first time—that even though the two look alike, Harry isn't James. But that doesn't stop Sirius from treating Harry as though he was James.

-.-

He's taunting Bellatrix.

The next thing he knows he's hit with a curse and is falling.

A white light envelops his body and Sirius can see James, waiting for him at the end of it all. Sirius smiles a true smile for the first time in years and reaches out.

-.-

"So mate, miss me?"


End file.
